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For the most part, male colleagues are getting used to working with competent women and treating them well. As women advance up the ladder, however, they are more likely to run into some threatened and threatening "old boys" who seem intent on showing them just who's in charge. For that reason, it's good to spend some time planning for handling put-downs.
Kathleen Reardon, PhD, professor of communications at the University of Southern California, urges women to be on the lookout for "dysfunctional communication patterns" (DCPs) -- interactions that make someone feel like a second-class citizen.
When communication is working well, you can diagram the interactions with horizontal arrows -- people talking to each other as equals. When a DCP is in play between two supposedly equal colleagues, however, the arrows either go up: "I'll let you have more power than I do" or down: "Don't forget that I'm the one with more power."
When the goal is for two people to work together effectively, neither one-up nor one-down communication is the mode of choice. Here's how you can achieve a more balanced exchange with your colleague.
Be Direct
In her 1995 book, They Don't Get It, Do They?, Reardon suggests that women must be careful to do the following:
- Be direct in their responses.
- Maintain their sense of power no matter how hurtful the comment.
- Prevent anyone from bullying them into feeling one-down or ashamed.
It's important to figure out the words that will push back in a logical, unemotional way and allow you to hold onto your power. Above all, don't cry, whine, run away or have a hysterical outburst; just hold your ground.
As management guru Warren Bennis says, "You're never going to get anywhere if you keep sitting in the dugout. The only way you're going to succeed...is to take your swings. And sometimes that means taking a swing at someone else."
Practice Those Swings
Unfortunately, for many women, taking swings is just counterintuitive. When that's the case, there's no recourse but to practice -- and practice a lot. Take some time to reflect, and note instances where someone has lobbed a DCP your way. Then work with someone who can shoot you some mock one-up zingers so you can practice a response. Consider using a tape recorder to experience what it feels and sounds like to take a verbal swing at someone who tried to put you down.
Once you have the hang of it, you'll really enjoy the game of swinging back to retain your sense of self. And the career goals you've set for yourself will be much more attainable once you manage the art of deflecting put-downs.
